It has been three full months since the first time I asked about if the date we wanted at St. Luke's was available. And After three full months we still do not have a dat set. I cannot make any concrete plans unless I have a date set. Without a date, I can only toss around ideas--all hypothetical thoughts. I keep looking at pictures thinking of the possibilities that I could apply to them, but now I am numb. It has been so long without making any plans that I am now no longer feeling any excitement. I am just confused.
I am confused about what I want. I do not know if what I want is actually what I want. Browsing pictures I like so many things that nothing stands out to me. I cannot make all of this happen by myself (Evan is helping, so don't think that it's all on me). I'm just saying that I wish I had someone to tell me what I wanted and it actually be exactly what I really want. I so not want someone to tell me what I "really want" or what I "need." I want someone who truly knows me and understands the feel we are trying to go for. The challenge in that is that we aren't entirely sure of what we want it to be. Probably it is because I like so many things that they cannot be tied together or that I just do not care anymore.
Is a date too much to ask for? Maybe once I have a date, I will feel the excitement again. But right now, I am too numb from all of the pictures and all of the things I want from those pictures to feel a strong liking for one or two of the favorites. I like them all; I dislike them all. Nothing stands out from all of the rest as the one that really speaks to me.
But I never was the little girl that thought and planned her wedding by the age of 8. I don't think that I will ever have a wedding that is my dream wedding. I mean that I am so indecisive that what I want at any given time will be different later than what it would be the decision is made. It's really tough being me.
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